Navigating Being a Modern-Day Fijian-Indian Single Woman

image by Emily Francis Olson

Being a single woman in the current climate feels overwhelming.

From hearing the wayward echos of alpha male podcasts to being fed, what we as women should and shouldn't be doing according to the "divine laws of the feminine," to what he should be done by the third date, to when you should message him back, to when (can I stop now?)

Aside from navigating the complicated dating world, I feel the societal pressure to get married, have kids, and settle down. I'm unsure if this is because of my culture - where it is prevalent for women my age to settle down by now - or if that's just what is truly happening within certain personal circles.

My identity as a Fijian-Indian woman plays a huge role in this feeling. Every time I go to a family member's house, I can expect some sort of comment about having children from someone. Just recently, I had a relative visit, and before they left, the last thing they said to me was, "Hopefully, the next time I see you, you have a man." While I know the intention means well, I can't help but wonder why my identity as a woman is deemed incomplete without a partner or a child.

Let me be clear: I am not opposed to getting married or having children. In fact, it is something I hope to experience at some point in my life if the circumstances play out right. However, I find it presumptuous when people casually say something like, "We'll do XYZ at Simran's wedding" or "when you get married…" never asking my thoughts and feelings around this topic initially because (IMO) it's incredibly complicated.

What frustrates me is that marriage and kids have always been communicated as a non-negotiable for me. Growing up, I had to learn how to cook because "How else would I feed my kids?" or "What would my mother-in-law say" if I couldn't tend to a house? This is a whole myriad of topics that I could spend ages talking about. But what I have found the most interesting, especially dating in my mid-twenties, is that when I've spoken with men well into their late thirties, they've told me they've never once felt pressured to settle down by anyone in their inner circle. So again, this makes me question if this is a cultural, generational, gender, or societal issue.

The answer is E: All of the above.

Aside from the pressure brown women receive to get married, we also deal with balancing when we want to have kids and how that will impact nearly every other part of our lives, including how we make our livelihood. I recently finished the new limited series on Netflix, Ladies First: A Story of Women in Hip Hop. It was a great docu-series that touched on the history of black women in hip-hop and their domination of the music world. A portion of that series was explicitly dedicated to discussing how the rappers who decided to have children were told time and time again that their careers were over. This narrative is not uncommon. Society has historically agreed that having a child makes women less valuable in their industry. And I'm still trying to understand why.

Aside from the entertainment industry, the bias is still widely prevalent in the corporate world for women who decide to have a family. I have heard execs get upset knowing an employee is pregnant, forcing me to think about how I plan to navigate my career if I decide to have a child. Millions of women can transition back just fine gracefully, but it would be presumptuous to say they didn't have to think about, at least for a millisecond, the stigma I just shared. Where else would binge-worthy shows like Working Moms or badass organizations like The Mom Project get their target market from?

Never mind the career convo - what about the personal goals and adventures I want to accomplish without the additional mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical responsibilities of managing a relationship or a family?

Then again, as women, we're constantly working against our own biological clock 🙂

The reason I share any of this is because as horrible as it sounds - It feels like there's no winning for us here, if I'm being honest 😂

As a woman, I feel like I have to methodically choose the things I want to pursue if I "want to have it all." And from the stories of women I have heard who have accomplished many similar things I'd like - they've also shared that it didn't come with some sort of sacrifice - as all good things in our life usually do.

Nonetheless, these thoughts keep me up at night and are some of the avenues of life I'm actively trying to navigate.

While sometimes it may seem overwhelming, I remember that there is so much life to experience - and that's what I try to take every moment as - an experience. So, if you're also in a space where you feel overwhelmed by everything you're trying to accomplish - remember that you're on your own timeline. And there is no set way to do any of this. Remember that the Universe and God are constantly working on your side to teach you the lessons you need to learn and provide you with the experiences that will allow you to grow and gain the perspectives you need to accomplish what you've been set out here to do. And the people we meet and the moments we experience are all part of that journey.

So let's enjoy it.

Is this something you experience as well? Are you also Indo-Fijian and understand the pressure I'm talking about? What are some pieces of advice you've heard from peers? Let me know your thoughts below.

xx,

Sim